Ensemble Humor

Here are some Rules for Ensemble Playing from the Witty Quotes Haven:

1. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.
2. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune
all night with a clear conscience.
3. Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat. The audience will love this a lot!
4. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score.
5. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original.
6. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end.
7. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa).
8. Everyone should play the same piece.
9. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should tune."
10. Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent.
11. Take your time turning pages.
12. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others.
13. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.
14. Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs.
15. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested.
16. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left. If you have notes left over, please play them on the way home.
17. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost.